“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
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1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?