“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
A leaf blower, but for people.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.