“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

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judas: yo
jesus: sup
judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs
jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao
judas: wow


narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be


Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.


I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.


if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run


Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.


Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?


As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors


I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.