“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
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This is a bad idea on so many levels.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.