From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
no. please don’t go.
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her: what are you doing on your phone?
me: an update
her: what update?
me: not much, what up with you
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need