@Marlebean

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

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@LeahPeah4

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

@daemonic3

[on date]

her: what are you doing on your phone?

me: an update

her: what update?

me: not much, what up with you

@threetimedaddy

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

@Jandalize

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

@pleatedjeans

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

@mostunladylike

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

@envydatropic

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@botandy

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school