Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY