@lilgapeach30

Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.

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@stephenszczerba

I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller

@Cheeseboy22

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

@itsqueenbeebish

Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

@timdonakowski

My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer

@DebraMuffin

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

@iwearaonesie

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

@KentWGraham

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

@kwirkyKerri

You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.
YOU’RE WELCOME.

@simoncholland

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

@joshgondelman

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?