Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.

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I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller


Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.


Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.


My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer


The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.


son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult


My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.


You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.


To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.


Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?