Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend