FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Never be a pizza!
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!