*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
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Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.