the pigeons are already plenty salty
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?