I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I hate what you’ve done with the place.