*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Can’t stop laughing
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*