“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism