me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007
[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[brick flies through my window]
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.