@awordforaword

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

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@ExcuseMyTweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

@RdrJay47

[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@bourgeoisalien

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

@Social_Mime

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

@gerryhatric

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

@portmanteauface

Growing Seasons of New England

Spring: herbs, beans, arugula

Summer: corn, tomatoes, asparagus

Autumn: pumpkins, berries, squash

Winter: despair

@KattsDogma

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

@AsphaltFarmboy

My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said “WTF man, it’s 2015. You can use whatever printer you want.”

@blade_funner

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

@sosexuaI

gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over