“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
This forever.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine