“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

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The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.


[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table


I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display


Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.


My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.


Growing Seasons of New England

Spring: herbs, beans, arugula

Summer: corn, tomatoes, asparagus

Autumn: pumpkins, berries, squash

Winter: despair


Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*


My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said “WTF man, it’s 2015. You can use whatever printer you want.”


Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.


gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over