“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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I’d hang this in my house.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Breaking news:
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.