finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg


57% of serial killers were bed wetters until an unusually advanced age. Let’s make fun of them! What’s the worst that could hap..never mind.


what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce


[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy


I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.


To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.


ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.


I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg


As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else