finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me, in DM rooms…
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*launders Kohls cash*
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle