@rachelle_mandik

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

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@EndhooS

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

@Sassafrantz

57% of serial killers were bed wetters until an unusually advanced age. Let’s make fun of them! What’s the worst that could hap..never mind.

@teenpuke

what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce

@DrCephalopod

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

@svnsxtional

I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

@ValeeGrrl

ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@KyleMcDowell86

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

@MumInBits

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else