finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.