Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
This why you should mind your business
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search