[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Xylophonist Shredding It
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??