HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish
her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday