[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Life with a cat in one tweet
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?