*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead