Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
You Might Also Like
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?