[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.