@Mechaniz10

Finishing up my kite with a key attached.

No this quarantine isn’t bother me.

I’m good!

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@Book_Krazy

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

@UGotMeRight

The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@PhilJamesson

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

@clichedout

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

@MadcapsTPS

Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.