Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.