*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Okay, I’m still confused…
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”