*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?


I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.


Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……


This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan


I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity


My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses


Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.


Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.


A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice


Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound