fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
there has never been a better use of this meme
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”