fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

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My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.


Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant


You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.


Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.


ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush


Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.


therapist: “remember there are no stupid questions”
wife: “okay”
therapist: “keith you start”
me: “do sharks ever need to have a bath?”


6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?


[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready