My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?
Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I can’t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
therapist: “remember there are no stupid questions”
therapist: “keith you start”
me: “do sharks ever need to have a bath?”
6: can u get me a drink?
Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink
6: fine *goes to fridge
Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready