Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
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My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
A double negative is a big no-no.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
The glory of fall.