I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?
Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *