@50FirstTates

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

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@truegritrumble

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

@SteveKoehler22

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

@livlivme_do

If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.

@OnlyFastEddie

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

@JohnLyonTweets

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

@welltbh

why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked

@DILLONFRANCIS

My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….

still

no

email

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.