[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
ME: Get my money’s worth.


A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.


If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.


Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar


[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!


why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked


My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….





Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him


If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.