Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
🤣🤣
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird