Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
saw this in a dream