FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point