fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
You’re the water to my grease fire.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
you will never know the true number of layers
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk