fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping