@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

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@mccormick_ted

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

@Shen_the_Bird

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

@HomeWithPeanut

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

@dad_chips

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

@JediGigi

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

@djdarrellripley

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

@Contwixt

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.