Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.