Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
#DesignFail
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
i hope my email finds you on fire
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”