[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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Probably my best painting.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon