Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.