The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
The Others (2001)
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?