Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
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“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
This kinda thing happens to me often
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I occasionally drink every single night.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen