FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.