Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

We’re all getting idioter.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Some people were born into their job.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.