fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

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Dearest Timmy,

Your obsession with wells is tearing us apart.



It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.


If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.


Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”


Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”


Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.


Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?