@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

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@JustDontBugMe

Dearest Timmy,

Your obsession with wells is tearing us apart.

Sincerely,
Lassie.

@FourMyka

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

@sips_whiskey

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

@CalmTomb

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

@thatUPSdude

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

@Dutch_50

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

@wesleybordelon

Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?