[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.