@ShellHasDragons
Them: do something every day that scares you
Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders
Me: *just screaming
@KeetPotato
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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@ShellHasDragons
@KeetPotato
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
@AlbertBrooks
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
@realHamOnWry
If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.
@amphy1981
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
@SLorenzen62
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
@tracietom
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
@TheBoydP
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
@xLiserx
I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
@SocialExtortion
It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them