[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”



if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?


If sexual frustration could be transferred into a usable energy source, I would be sitting on a gold mine


Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort


Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”


[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*


Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?


[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?