@KeetPotato

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

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@ShellHasDragons

Them: do something every day that scares you
Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders
Me: *just screaming

@KeetPotato

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

@realHamOnWry

If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.

@amphy1981

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

@SLorenzen62

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

@tracietom

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

@TheBoydP

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.

@SocialExtortion

It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them