[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

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Them: do something every day that scares you
Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders
Me: *just screaming


doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button


If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.


Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping


Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!


Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.


Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…


I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.


It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them