My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.