Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Awesome parenting 😂
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”