@UnFitz

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

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@Its_Kene

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

@emmafreud

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Hey lady, you can’t park there.

Her: I’m just running into Starbucks.

Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don’t apply to you then.

@WritePlay

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

@thesulk

“Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?” “Can’t. Scared.” “Of the water?” “No. Palindromes.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

@iwearaonesie

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

@TingyS

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.