[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.


This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.


Me: Hey lady, you can’t park there.

Her: I’m just running into Starbucks.

Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don’t apply to you then.


*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)


“Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?” “Can’t. Scared.” “Of the water?” “No. Palindromes.”


Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*


wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]


So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.


When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.