[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
wtf is an acronym
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔