[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real