[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything