@ActualPerson084

FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.

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@welfarehoe

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

@Vodkantots

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England

@sarahclazarus

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

@MattTheBrand

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

@SugarMagicSpice

God: Welcome to Heaven. You’ll be getting your wings soon.
Me: Spicy or honey bbq?
God: Get out.

@dixinormus10

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

@TheCamJude

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.