STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.
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The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.
-me, driving in England
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
God: Welcome to Heaven. You’ll be getting your wings soon.
Me: Spicy or honey bbq?
God: Get out.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.