@ActualPerson084

FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.

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@mattsurely

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

@MariyaAlexander

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

@david8hughes

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@dave_cactus

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@Tbone7219

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

@knot_eye

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.