@ActualPerson084

FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.

You Might Also Like

@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

@HlessHman

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@CulturedRuffian

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

@tease

posting a sc story for 1 specific person to see is the modern day equivalent of gatsby hosting elaborate parties in hopes that daisy attends

@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.