anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.