“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If looks could kill, I’d still use a baseball bat.