[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.